Addicted to Perfection

Many, if not most, women, including myself, are conditioned to constantly be out there, striving, “shattering glass ceilings”, and chasing outside validation whether from a boss, sisterhood, the masses, friends, partners, or more.  This is in stark contrast to really looking inward and truly getting to know who we are at the core, below the conditioning of “should”, “need”, have to”.

It is not to say that striving & shattering glass ceilings is inherently negative- It is beginning to clean the cobwebs of the conditioning to settle back in the core of your truth and moving from that place.

Very often behind the masks of many successful lives & perfected feeds there lurks disillusion & terror.  Women are pushing themselves to be better & better within the rigid frameworks they have created for themselves, within the competition with others they have created due to the modern spiritual guru paradigms.  They then add in a rigidity to Human Design & Gene Keys making it something they can get “right” or “wrong”, something to perfect, something to create more frameworks within, rather than cut the chains of their cage.

As Ra Uru said:  We are always living our design.

Human Design provides us insight, an illumination into the subconscious patterns, yet what I am finding is many are using it as a way to create deeper, more entrenched, rigid frameworks, & patterns. Forcing ourselves to create a perfected image of self, regardless of the mounting  dreams when you close your eyes of being chased or overflowing toilet bowls.

The seeking will not end.  It never does from wounded maiden.  Battered by the conditioning & constant seeking the instincts have no natural satiation point. From here the “I will be happy when I ___” quickly escalates & the goal posts continue to move. The emptiness can no longer be filled regardless of what system is picked up, no matter what milestone is reached, & no matter what accolades received. 

Compulsions narrow life down until there is no living- existing, perhaps, but no living.

Lately, I find myself in the in between.  I don’t “fit in” anywhere. I study multiple systems, I work with multiple mentors within different systems, I study at the IHDS & BG5, I am a long time student of Gene Keys & Richard Rudd’s, I work with my own Rite of Passage mentors for my embodiment journey…

Yet I do not fully subscribe or identify with any. Or maybe, the proper way of describing it is I do not allow myself to be boxed in by any.  I hold them lightly like a caterpillar I move to a safer place in the garden. Picked up gently knowing I will put it down in a few short breaths.

And, I have come to realize that is my power.  That is my strength.  

I often think of, and work with, Persephone.  The Goddess of the Underworld & Spring. She reminds me that the full scope of our power is bled out of us in favour of being pretty, polite, & pleasing.  Afraid of our underworld.  Afraid of our darkness, not just ourselves but a deep seeded conditioned fear of what others will think of it.  

Ernest Becker said:

“On the one hand, we see a human animal who is partly dead to the world, who is most “dignified” when he shows a certain obliviousness to his fate, when he allows himself to be driven through life; who is most “free” when he lives in secure dependency on powers around him, when he is least in possession of himself.  On the other hand, we get an image of a human animal who is overly sensitive to the world, who cannot shut it out, who is thrown back on his own meager powers,and who seems least free to move and act, least in possession of himself, and most undignified.  Whichever image we choose to identify with depends in large part upon ourselves”.

You are not free if you believe you have to be a perfect Projector to be seen & recognized.

You are not free if you believe you can build the wrong thing as a Generator or MG.

You are not free if you are not fully following THE inspiration for you, unfiltered, as a Manifestor.

You are not free if you are moving from pressure, not truth, as a Reflector.

And yet, all of those can be applied to everyone, as we carry the full bodygraph (or better said, all hexagrams) within.

You are not free if you add labels rather than release them.

You are not free if you are seeking external validation- whether seeking positive or fearful of negative.

And “breaking free”, unfiltered, unbridled, unapologetic isn’t a switch you flip.  It is a deep willingness to  decondition & choose YOU every single day.

Yet you must decide first.

ashley